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PAINE'S 




MONOLOGUES 






The 

Country Cousin 

Speaks Her Mind 




Mac KENZIE 




PAINE PUBLISHING CO. 






DAYTON, OHIO 








NO PLAYS EXCHANGED 





School Classic Series 



JUST THE BOOKS you want for Supplementary Reading and 
Study — Fables and Myths, Nature Stories, and Stories of 
Geography, History and the Industries, as well as selections 
from leading authors and poets. Each book contains about 
thirty-two pages of Choice Literature carefully graded. 



THE LIST CLASSIFIED AND GRADED 
FIRST GRADZ: History on* Biography- 

Fables and Myths 36 Story of Columbus 

1 Old Fables-Aesop . Jlt^^^^^^Zi. 

25 Story oflndependence—l 
(Beginning of the 

Revolution) 

26 Story of Independence — U 
(War in Middle Colonies) 

27 Story of Independence— III 



2 Stories from Andenen — I 

3 Nursery Tales 
Nature— 

4 Animal Stories 
History Stories— 

5 Boyhood Stories — I 
(Columbus, Washington) 



Geoeraphy— 

6 Children of Many Lands — 1 
(A Queer Little Eskimo) 

SECOND GKADE 
Fables and Myths— 

7 Stories from Andersen— II 
6 Grimm's Fairy Tales 

10 Adventures of a Brownie 
1 2 Jack and the Beanstalk 
I > Robinson Crusoe 
29 Little Red Riding Hood 
33 Story of Hiawatfia 
Nature 
9 Bird Stories— I 

(The Robin and Bluebird) 



1 ChiidrehofManyLand'-^II 
(Ten Little Indians) 
History and Biography 

14 Stopy of the Pilgrims 

15 Boyhood Stories — II 
(Franklin.Webster. Garfield)] 

THIRD GKAD£ 
Stories and Myths 

16 Indian Myths 

17 Greek Myths 

18 Stories from Ander«en--III 
Nature— 

19 Bird Stories— U 
(The Sparrow Family) 

20 From Seed to Fruif 
(Studies of Plant Lifej 

Geography— ,, 

21 Children of Many 

Lands— III 
(KeBJko, the Japanese Boy) 



(War in Southern Colonies) 
28 The Boston Tea Party 

FOURTH GRADE 

Legends— 
22 Norse Gods and Heroes 

31 Legends of the Rhine 
Nature— 

32 Bird Stories-III 

(The Woodpecker Family) 
Geography- 

34 Stories of Coal and Iron 

35 Story of Cotton 

37 Animals of the Hot Belt 

38 Animals of the Cold Belt 
44 Children of Many 

Lands— IV 
(Karl and Katherine in 

Holland) 

History and Biography— 

39 Story of Washington 

40 Story of Lincoln 

41 Great Inventors— I 
(Watt, Stephensoin, Fulton) 

43 St«ry of Daniel Boone 



FIFTH GRADE 

Geography— 
45 Children of Many 

Lands- V 

(Fu Chen, a Little Chinese 

GirO 

49 Story of Silk 
History and Biography— V 

50 Great Inventors— II 
(Morse, Field, Edison) 

Price 6c Each, 72c per Dozen. Order by Number 
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Literature— 
46 The Golden Touch 

(Hawthorne) 
53 The Kins of the C*M« 

River (Ruskin) 



SIXTH GRADE 

History and Biography— 

42 Great Naval Commandtr* 
(Jones, Perry, Farragut) 

51 Great Statesmen 

(Clay, Webster. Calhoun) 

47 Story of Canada 
Literature— 

48 The Snow Image 
(Hawthorne) 

64 Rip Van Winkle (Irvint) 

65 Legend of Sleepy H«llow 
(Irving) . . ^ , , 

79 Rab and His Fnendi 
59 Thanatopsis (BryanO 

66 Pied Piper of Hameliii 
(Browning) 

SEVKNTH GRADE 

Literature— 
30 The Man Withoul a CoUB' 
try (Hale) 

69 Courtship of Miles Sttndiih 
(Longfellow) 

70 Evangehne (Longfellow) 

7 1 The Great Stone Face 
(Flawthorne) 

72 Snowbound (WhilUer) 

EIGHTH CRADC 

Literature— 

73 The Deserted Village 
(Goldsmith) 

74 Storiei of King Arthur 

75 Enoch Arden (Tennysoa) 

76 Vision of Sir LaunfiJ 
(Lowell) , ^ , 

77 The Cotter s Saturday 
Night (Burns) 

78 Speeches of LSncoIa 



The Country Coi|sin 
Speaks Her Mind 



A Monologue 



BY 

EDNA I. MACKENZIE 

Author of- 

"Susan Gets Ready for Church " 

^•As Our Washwoman Sees K," " That Atcjal LcffC?.'^ 

"A Double Tragedy, Almost." 



Copyright 1920, by 
PAINE PUBLISHING COMPANY 



PAINE PUBLISHING COMPANf 

DAYTON. OHIO 



\9 hv\A* 






Q-CLD 54605 



^^ 20 1920 



^'fc-1 fl f 



THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS 
HER MIND 



Character — A Country Girl Visiting Her Cousin in the 
City. 

Time — Ten Minutes. 



Now, Cousin Maria, you don't need to ask me to go to 
any more of those afternoon crushes you city people seem 
so crazy about, for I couldn't survive another one and that's 
all there is about it. 

(Sighs deeply,) So you thought it would be a treat for me, 
did you ? 

Well, let me tell you that I don't think a cup of luke warm 
coffee and half an inch of sandwich or a crumb of cake and 
a dab of ice-cream are much in the line of a treat. 

They spile your appetite for a decent meal, that's what 
they do. 

(In surprise.) You don't go for what you eat? Then V& 
like to know what you do — 

(Sarcastically.) Oh, I'm so glad you told me it was to calH 
on the woman who supplies the vittles and be sociable or I 
would never have guessed it. Why, all she did was to meet. 
us at the door and hold her hand away up like this, (demon- 
strates) and offer two fingers, the ones with the most rings-^ 
on, I noticed, and say in a prunes prism sort of voice, "So 
glad you came, don't you know". 



THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND 

Then we was pushed on into a room that was so full of 
people that there wasn't half enough seats to go around and 
the rest of the folks was lined up against the wall like the 
homely girls at a dance where there's five girls or so to 
every boy. 

And as for being sociable, well, by the dumb way most of 
them was holdin' the walls up, I was thinkin' that every last 
one of them had gotten beside some person they didn't know 
from Adam. 

Land of goshen ! You'd think they could find something 
to talk about, even if it ain't anything more interestin' than 
the weather. 

I tried to talk to the poor, half -dressed critter beside me — 
you remember the one that had got her dress out of about 
a yard and a half of silk and a little bit of lace ? 

(Pause.) You don't? Well, she was the one with her 
waist cut that low it came down to here, (sho':Jifs) and her 
skirt was that high it came up to here until there wasn't 
more'n about six inches from where one began and the 
other left off. 

Lands, I felt right sorry for the poor thing, for poor she 
must have been when she couldn't afford any more goods 
than that. 

(Pause.) Yes, I thought you'd recognize the description. 

(Pause.) You say she's real well-off! Then for the land 

of Peter, why doesn't she buy a decent dress? Why, a 

4 



THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND 

nightie would have been more modest ; anyway it would 
have covered up more. 

{Pause.) You say it's the style ! Then the Lord preserve 
us from styles like that. They'll be the ruin of the risin' 
generation, that's what I say. 

(Patise.) What did I talk to her about? Why, I men- 
tioned that the weather was getting colder and she said she 
hadn't noticed and then I said it would soon be time to put 
on our winter flannels again, and to be sociable I asked her 
when her family generally changed into their's — ^you know, 
lots of people have a certain day of the year for changin' 
and they keep to it as though it were a religious rite or 
something, even though the thermometer should stand at 
eighty, and I didn't know but what she might be that kind. 

(Pause.) I should have had more sense? (Indignantly.) 
Well, I like that ! What else could I talk to her about ? ' It 
ain't likely she'd be interested in the pigs and cows and sich 
like, is it ? Laws, there couldn't be an3^hing more sensible 
to talk about then that. 

(Pause.) What did she say? Oh, she acted awferlly 
rude, turned her nose away up and goodness knows it was 
a turn-up to begin with — and she said, said she, "How dis- 
gustin,*' in a sort of high and mighty tone. Then she turned 
her back on me, mostly bare back it was and I thought to 
myself she was a queer one to talk about disgustin', for 
she was. 

Well, after that slam I didn't dare to talk to anyone else 

5 



THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND 

SO I stood there, dumb like the rest and smiled the sickly 
sort of smile they was all smilin' ; something like this, (//- 
lustrates,) and pretended to look happy just as they was 
doin' 

The poor simps ! I wouldn't go through such a perfor- 
mance again for the best settin' of eggs you could give me. 

(Pause.) It's because I'm not used to it? Thanks be, I 
ain't and I never will be until I grow another hand to be 
able to help myself to what's bein' passed when the two I 
have got are full already. 

And never in all my life could I learn how to make half 
an inch of sandwich last as though it were a slice. : 

Besides, the Lord never intended that we should keep our 
gloves on when we're eatin' as though we was ashamed ot' 
our hands. 

You can go to your afternoon circuses if you like, but it's 
me for the country way of taking our work and spendin' 
the whole afternoon with our friends, gossipin' about the 
minister or the neighbors and gettin' a good square meal 
at the end of it. (Pause.) 

Would I like to go bargain-hunting again tomorrer? (hi 
a tragic tone.) Sure and is it a corpse you*re thinkin' of 
sendin* home to my mother ? 

Honest to goodness, I've never gotten over the raid you 
engineered yesterday. To begin with, you made me run 

6 



THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND 

three blocks to catch a car and then we had to wait in the 
pouring rain for five and a half minutes before one did 
come and you held the umbreller so that the water dripped 
onto my hat and the colors in the ribbon all ran together 
and the colors in the flowers all ran everyway. 

The thing's clean spiled ; I can never wear it again except 
when I go out to feed the pigs and a sunbonnet is far 
handier even at that. 

And to think I paid two dollars and twenty-nine cents 
for it just before I came to the city. 

(Pause.) You're sorry? So am I, but it ain't no use 
cryin' over spiled hats. 

Then when the car did come, it was that jammed full that 
there weren't more'n half an inch for my one hundred and 
ninety-eight and a quarter pounds to get into and I had to 
distribute myself so that I could squeeze in somehow. 

(Pause.) You didn't find any difficulty? 

Humph. I don't suppose you would. A sliver off a 
toothpick like you can fit in anywhere. 

But I wouldn't have minded so much only I was pinned 
that close between two strange men, forriners I'd think they 
was, from the smell of them — ^them kind havin' a reputation 
for not enjoying water much. 

And from the whisky breath I had to swaller. I'd imagine 
they didn't know what it was like to have water inside them 

7 



THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND 

neither. (Makes a face,) Ugh, IVe felt sick ever since. And 
(Rubbing her arm,) my arm aches yet with hangin' on to 
that strap, and it's used to milkin five cows every night, too. 
(Pause.) Fd soon get over that feeling if I were in the 
city long? (With sarcasm) Oh, yes, I suppose so for it's 
a saying that anyone can get used to hangin' if they hang 
long enough and I know I did my share of it yesterday. 

But that was just a preliminary of what was to follow, as 
the minister says, for no sooner had I waded to the bargain 
counter, than I was grabbed by one of them bargain fiends, 
pinched by another and had my eye nearly knocked out by 
a third while they all combined to cram me right through the 
counter. I bet there's a dent in it yet. I know there is in 
my knee. (Rubs it.) 

I was never so jostled in my life before except the oncet 
and that was when I was a kid and the, (Hesitates.) the red 
cow in our field got mad at a parasol I was carrying and 
assisted me over the fence with the aid of his horns. 

But between havin' your limbs torn to pieces by bargain- 
liunters and being tossed by the — the red cow, give me the 
cow every time! (Pause.) But I got some good bargains! 
Oh, yes, I'll own up to thatT-half a dozen handkerchiefs 
reduced from fifteen cents to twelve and a half. 

Here's one of them. (Pulls one aut) See that little hole? 
The rest are all like it. 

Oh, yes, I ain't sayin' I didn't get a bargain, since I saved 
fifteen cents on the whole lot, but my waist is in shreds. 

8 



THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND 

I'll never be able to wear it again, not even for scrubbing, 
and I just got it bran new to come to visit you. Paid four 
dollars and twenty-three cents for it. It zvas four twenty- 
five, but they took two cents off for cash. 

The next time I go bargain-hunting it will be at the little 
country store at home where I can hunt in peace instead of 
in pieces. (Pause.) 

How'd I like to go to a movie tomorrer afternoon? (Puts 
her hands up in disgust.) 

No, thank you! I was there once and the place smelled 
exactly like the bunch of eggs our old hen left after she'd 
been settin' on them for a week and ten days. 

Why you city folks are so crazy to leave the good, fresh 
air the Lord has given you and stick yourselves into a dark, 
crowded buildin' that's as hot as — as where the Kaiser is 
goin' to be roasted some day, just to see a lot of silly love- 
makin' and sich like is more'n I can see. 

(Pause.) You thought I liked movies? So I do, good 
ones, in their time and place, but their time ain't a beautiful 
day when folks should be hikin' to the parks or country 
or some place where the air ain't so — so like them eggs I 
told you about. 

No, I ain't got nothing agin the movies, that is the right 
kind, but I have got something agin them that go in the day- 
time when — 



THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND 

No. I ain't castin' any slurs at you, at all, Cousin Maria. 
I suppose you can't help it, for its been your way so long 
that you can't change, though goodness knows it ain't the 
way you was brought up. (Pause.) 

What do I want to do ? Well I tell you, it's the trail 
home for me that I'll be takin' tomorrer. 

I'm achin' like I was having a bargain-huntin' raid in my 
heart to get back to the dear old farm and the cows and the 
pigs and all, and besides I had a letter from Bill Perkins 

to-day — he's my — my beau you know and he says he's 

bin that lonesome without me that if I don't come home 
real soon, he'll come and get me. 

Bill's been courtin' me now for nigh onto thirteen years 
and has never popped yet so if my visitin' here will bring 
him to the pint, then Cousin Maria, I'll thank you as long 
as I live for invitin' me to visit you and never will begrudge 
the hat nor the waist that I spiled the day we had the bar- 
gain hunt and I'll give you the rest of them handkerchiefs 
to keep in memory of me. 

But honest, Cousin Maria, do you think there's any 
chance of him proposin' ? 

CURTAIN. 



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